Blackadder in Tea for Two Thousand
by jbax44
Summary: Having spawned offspring which made it to the American colonies, the Blackadder dynasty marches on.


Blackadder  
  
In  
  
"Tea for Two … Thousand"  
  
  
adapted from characters created by  
  
Richard Curtis and Ben Elton  
  
Script by Jared Baxter  
  
  
Copyright, 2003  
  
  
  
  
Scene One: Boston Street, 1773.  
Blackadder and Baldrick attempt to cross the street. Paul Revere comes galloping by.  
  
REVERE  
The British are coming! The British are   
coming!  
  
Mud splatters all over Blackadder and Baldrick as he races by. Pissed-off, Blackadder wipes the mud from his face.   
  
BLACKADDER  
Of course the bloody British are coming.   
We've been coming for a hundred and fifty  
years. How is that suddenly newsworthy?  
  
Baldrick watches the horse's sinewy ass ride away in awe, his face aglow through the fresher patches of mud.  
  
BALDRICK  
(awe-struck)   
What's that, Mr. B?  
  
Scene Two: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.  
Percy attends the shop when Blackadder and Baldrick enter.  
  
PERCY  
Good morning, Mr. Blackadder.  
  
BLACKADDER  
That's your opinion, Percy. Baldrick, see that   
this cloak gets a proper cleaning. (removes   
cloak)  
  
BALDRICK  
Right away, Mr. B.  
  
BLACKADDER  
That damned busy-body Paul Revere has been   
racing up and down the streets of Boston like a   
man possessed again, splattering mud wherever   
he goes.  
  
BALDRICK  
I thought it was quite exciting. Didn't mind   
the mud meself.   
BLACKADDER  
Yes, well this from a man, and I use such a   
term in the loosest sense possible, Baldrick,   
who eats dung for breakfast. (Baldrick exits   
with cloak)  
  
PERCY  
What do you suppose Revere's up to now?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Oh, god, who cares? Rabble-rousing, no   
doubt. You'd think the most famous goldsmith   
in Boston could keep busy enough smithing   
gold and not need to take odd jobs as a courier.   
What will he stoop to next? Take-out delivery   
for Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe?  
  
PERCY  
Well if you ask me, Mr. Blackadder, I've got   
to agree with Baldrick. (Baldrick re-enters)   
I find it all very exciting.  
  
BLACKADDER  
I didn't ask you, Percy, and the mere fact that   
you'd agree with anything Baldrick had to say,   
will cost you a shilling from this week's pay.  
  
BALDRICK  
Find all what very exciting?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Colonial insolence, Baldrick, although I   
wouldn't expect you to comprehend such a   
statement.  
  
BALDRICK  
Fair enough, Mr. Blackadder.   
  
BLACKADDER  
What these deranged revolutionaries fail to   
understand is we are subjects of the British   
crown, even if it is worn by a mad sauerkraut-  
and-sausage sucking German. Nearly every   
one of us in the Massachusetts colony can   
  
BLACKADDER (CONT)  
trace his roots back to England, Scotland, or,   
at the very least, Wales.  
  
BALDRICK  
Not me. I'm Irish.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Right. Well, society's sewage must seep from   
somewhere, Baldrick.  
  
PERCY  
I can feel proud in calling myself an American.   
My family tree traces back to that fateful   
voyage of the Mayflower. Nobody's been here   
longer than my family.  
  
BLACKADDER  
No. Unless, of course, you count the natives.   
They might have just edged your family here,   
Perce.   
  
PERCY  
How did you come to the colonies, Mr. Black-  
adder?  
  
BLACKADDER  
The old-fashioned way; my father was a noble-  
man who was thrown out of England for crimes   
against his peasantry.  
  
PERCY  
What were the crimes?  
  
BLACKADDER  
I am very proud to say that the list is far too   
long to recount here.  
  
BALDRICK  
I came over the old-fashioned way meself, too.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Being bludgeoned on the head in a drunken   
stupor and sold into servitude is not anyone's   
idea of 'old-fashioned.'   
BALDRICK  
Well, it's all the rage where I go 'round.  
  
BLACKADDER  
So is urinating in the streets and incestuous   
relationships with your mothers, but that   
doesn't make it old-fashioned. I'm going out   
for a cup of tea. You two mind the store.  
  
Scene Three: Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe.  
Blackadder enters.  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Morning, Mr. Blackadder.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Morning, Mrs. Miggins. Slice of rhubarb and   
a cup of tea, if you please.  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
No, I'm afraid I don't please, Mr. B.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Mrs. Miggins, need I remind you that I am a   
paying customer and it is my patronage to   
your putrid establishment which feeds and   
clothes you and your wretched family?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
You needn't remind me of that! It's just that   
my shop doesn't sell tea anymore.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Doesn't sell tea anymore? Have you gone   
completely mad, woman? Who's going to eat   
your pies without tea to wash down their   
rancid aftertaste?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
I think you're the one that's gone mad, Mr. B.   
Haven't you heard? There's been a ban on tea   
sales by those splendid Sons of Liberty. How   
about a nice cup of coffee?  
  
  
BLACKADDER  
Sons of Liberty? I should have guessed.   
Leave it to the disgruntled element to ruin it   
for the rest of us loyal, law-abiding citizens.   
But, why tea? Why the sudden aversion to   
the last piece of civilization from the old world?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
(on the hush-hush)   
Can you keep a secret, Mr. B?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Can I keep a secret? Does Ben Franklin keep   
a list of insidious clichés?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Parliament has given the East India Company   
a huge tax break on eight million tons of   
warehoused tea.  
  
BLACKADDER  
How huge?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Well, let's just say that East India tea will be   
cheaper than that black-market stuff you've   
been selling me these past years.  
  
BLACKADDER  
That is huge. How did you acquire such   
information?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Oh, I have me sources, Mr. Blackadder.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, and would your sources know when this   
tea were to be arriving?  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
They would, although, I must warn you, it's   
not going to do you any good. The Sons of   
Liberty have plans for that tea already.  
  
  
BLACKADDER  
Do they?  
  
Scene Four: Outside of Mrs. Miggins' Shoppe.  
Off-camera is the rapid clip-clop of hooves. As Blackadder takes a sip of coffee, Revere races by splattering him with mud again.  
  
Scene Five: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.  
Blackadder pours over a ledger. Baldrick dusts.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Let's see … at one shilling, sixpence a pound,   
times one million, equals …  
  
BALDRICK  
Wait, don't tell me … (calculating on fingers)   
Nope, I've got no idea.  
  
BLACKADDER  
What a surprise. (Percy enters from the back   
of the shop) It comes out to a load of bloody   
damned money is what it comes to.  
  
PERCY  
What's a load of bloody damned money?  
  
BLACKADDER  
The investment of a lifetime, Percy. The   
investment of a lifetime.   
  
PERCY  
What, you're not on about that East India tea   
again are you?  
  
BLACKADDER  
I wouldn't expect you to understand. If I can   
leverage this properly, I'll corner the colonial   
tea market.  
  
PERCY  
(guffaws)   
I doubt that.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Oh, and what makes you so sure? From   
BLACKADDER (CONT)  
whence does a man who was so often passed   
up on wit, but so often visited by stupidity,   
make such a claim?  
  
PERCY  
(defensively)   
Simple, really. Americans aren't going to be   
buying tea anymore. (pauses) So there won't   
be any market to corner. You'll be like … be   
like … why, you'll be like the man who owns   
a corner market where no one lives … or even   
comes to visit. That's what you'll be like.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Please, Percy, leave the metaphors to the   
vertebrates. You'll strain a muscle in that   
thick little cranium of yours.  
  
BALDRICK  
(pauses)   
Well, that's a mixed metaphor, isn't it, Mr. B?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Shut up, Baldrick. The last thing I need right   
now is input from the society for illiteracy.  
  
PERCY  
Well, I may be thick …  
  
BLACKADDER  
Correct.  
  
PERCY  
But at least I'm aware of what's going on. You  
don't even pay attention to the news. You're  
not even aware we're at the brink of war!  
  
BLACKADDER  
We are not at the brink of war. War's bad for   
the economy. Besides, Parliament will squash   
the surly insurrectionists and it will be back to   
business as usual. After Sam Adams and the   
rest of his trouble-makers are rounded up, and   
publicly hanged; it'll be back to business as   
BLACKADDER (CONT)  
usual. And that means the buying, selling and   
drinking of tea!  
  
BALDRICK  
Not me. I'm putting my fortune in coffee   
futures.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Baldrick, you are indentured to me. You have   
no fortune.  
  
BALDRICK  
Rotten luck that, isn't it?  
  
PERCY  
Was that a pun?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Stop it the both of you! We'll have no more   
queries about figures of speech. What's at   
stake here is the future of my business, and   
therefore, the future of your welfare.  
  
PERCY  
I think you mean 'futures of your welfare.'  
  
BALDRICK  
Are you sure it's not 'yours welfares?'  
  
BLACKADDER  
Quite.  
  
PERCY  
Tell you what, Mr. Blackadder, if you really   
want to get a feel for the current state of affairs,   
you should join me at a rally for the Sons of   
Liberty tonight.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Oh, and what's tonight's keynote address?   
Tax evasion and the American Dream?  
  
  
Scene Six: Griffin's Wharf, The Royal Stock Market.  
Blackadder waits in a line. He is recognized and approached by Samuel Adams, who is dressed rather shabbily.  
  
ADAMS  
Ah, Edmund, how nice to see you.   
  
BLACKADDER  
Mr. Adams, how nice to … be seen.  
  
ADAMS  
What a wit! I like you, Edmund. I'd like to   
let you in on a little stock tip from John   
Hancock, himself.  
  
Everybody in the room stops and leans in to listen.  
  
ADAMS  
(glancing around)   
When Hancock speaks, people listen.  
  
BLACKADDER  
That's it? That's your tip? 'When Hancock   
speaks, people listen?'  
  
ADAMS  
No, no. Don't be ridiculous. Hancock says   
'Tea's for the bears, coffee's for the bulls.'  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, and riddles are for the bored. Good day,   
Mr. Adams.  
  
Sam Adams offended, exits. Blackadder is now second in line.   
  
MAN-IN-LINE  
I'd like to purchase any available coffee futures.  
  
CLERK  
(droning)   
You and everyone else. How much would   
you like?  
  
MAN-IN-LINE  
How much have you got?   
CLERK  
(droning, still)   
Looks like you've got the last one. Thank you.   
Have a nice day. Next.  
  
BLACKADDER  
I'd like to purchase all available …  
  
CLERK  
(droning)   
Let me guess … coffee futures.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Don't be absurd. Coffee has no future in   
the Americas.  
  
CLERK  
(still droning)   
Don't be so near-sighted, sir. One day there   
could be a coffee shop on every block in the  
colonies.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, and one day we'll fly from city to city like   
great big birds.  
  
CLERK  
You never know, sir.  
  
BLACKADDER  
What I'd like to buy are your remaining tea   
futures.  
  
CLERK  
(snickering)   
No problem, sir. How many would you like?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Oh, I don't know … say, one million?  
  
CLERK  
It's your funeral. There you are. Thank you.   
Have a nice day. Next.  
  
  
Scene Seven: Under the Liberty Tree.  
Percy and Blackadder are disguised as Hasidic Jews. As they reach the Liberty Tree, a throng of men dressed likewise are brandishing pitch forks and the like.  
  
BLACKADDER   
I hardly see what good these outfits do, Percy.   
No British officer is going to believe a group   
of six hundred Hasidic Jews are visiting Boston.  
  
PERCY  
Yes, well, you see, the Sons of Liberty are a   
secret society and one of the tenets of being a   
secret society is that membership be kept,   
well, you know, a secret.  
  
BLACKADDER  
The Sons of Liberty haven't kept a secret so   
poorly since Captain John Smith claimed he   
was merely 'tutoring' Pocahontas.  
  
A short, soiled, Hasidic Jew bearing a striking resemblance to Baldrick approaches.  
  
BALDRICK  
Evening, Mr. B. Evening, Brother Mathias.   
  
PERCY  
Evening, Brother Lechiem. (spitting all over  
Blackadder)  
  
BLACKADDER  
Did you just cough something up, Percy?   
(removing a hankie)  
  
PERCY  
Indeed, not. I was merely welcoming my   
fellow brethren, Lechiem. (spraying again)  
  
BLACKADDER  
If you do that again I shall need a beach towel.   
(wiping his face)  
  
PERCY  
Shhh … I believe the rally's getting under way.  
  
Sam Adams dressed as a … you guessed it, a Hasidic Jew, addresses the crowd.   
ADAMS  
Sons, Jews, Countrymen, lend me your ear   
locks. Also, lend me your beards and a   
yarmulke or two if you can spare them.  
  
BLACKADDER  
A master orator.  
  
ADAMS  
My disguises seem to wear thin rather quickly.   
But onto important matters. Tonight's address   
was going to be part nine of my splendid sermon   
Tax Evasion and the American Dream, but we   
must save that for another time.  
  
A sigh of disappointment lifts from the crowd.  
  
ADAMS  
Instead we shall make plans to do plunder to   
the millions of pounds of tea en route to Boston   
from that infested bed of tyranny, London.  
  
Roar of approval rages from the masses.   
  
BLACKADDER  
What do we intend to do!  
  
PERCY  
Yes! What is our plan of attack?  
  
ADAMS  
I was just getting to that. When His Majesties'   
ships are docked we shall board them, ransack   
their stores and dump the tea into the harbor!  
  
An even louder roar rises from the throng. Then, it dies down. Blackadder thinks quickly.  
  
BLACKADDER  
But what about the webbed-foot boobies?  
  
ADAMS  
What about the what?  
  
BLACKADDER  
The webbed-foot boobies. What about them?  
  
ADAMS  
Excuse me, sir. But what is a webbed-foot   
booby?  
  
BLACKADDER  
The endangered species of bird indigenous to   
Massachusetts Bay. If tons of tea were dumped   
into the harbor, certainly the habitat of this   
beautiful and precious water fowl would be   
compromised.  
  
ADAMS  
Hmm, I hadn't thought of that.  
  
PERCY  
Yes! What about the webbed-foot boobies?  
  
ENTIRE CROWD  
(chanting)   
Webbed-foot boobies! Webbed-foot boobies!   
Webbed-foot boobies!  
  
ADAMS  
Admittedly, I'm no ornithologist … perhaps,   
we could move their nesting grounds.  
  
BLACKADDER  
But that might kill them!  
  
The crowd gasps a sigh of disapproval.   
  
ADAMS  
As I was about to say … temporarily … move   
their nesting grounds.  
  
The crowd is agreeable to this solution.  
  
BLACKADDER  
What about the brown virgin beaver?  
  
ADAMS  
What about the who?   
BLACKADDER  
The brown virgin beaver!  
  
PERCY  
Yes! What about the brown virgin beaver!  
  
ENTIRE CROWD  
(chanting)   
Brown virgin beaver! Brown virgin beaver!   
Brown virgin beaver!  
  
Scene Eight: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.  
Baldrick shines Blackadder's shoes. Sam Adams enters.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Good day, Mr. Adams. To what do we owe   
the pleasure of your visit?  
  
ADAMS  
Mr. Blackadder, I assure you, the pleasure is   
all mine. For it has come to my attention,   
Edmund, that you have been nominated to   
join a certain secret society which shall   
remain nameless.  
  
BLACKADDER  
You don't mean the Sons of Liberty, do you …  
  
ADAMS  
Hush … there are royal spies everywhere.  
  
BLACKADDER  
While I am flattered to join the Sons of   
Liberty …  
  
ADAMS  
SHHH!  
  
BLACKADDER  
While I am flattered to join the secret society …  
  
Percy enters from the back.  
  
ADAMS  
What's that? Secret society you say? No idea   
ADAMS (CONT)  
what you're talking about.  
  
PERCY  
Mr. Adams? It's me, Percy. You know,   
(back of his hand to his mouth and winking)   
Brother Mathias.  
  
ADAMS  
I know no Mathias. I know only loyalists to   
His Majesties' crown!  
  
BALDRICK  
What about me?  
  
ADAMS  
Who are you? I've never met this urchin   
before in my life.  
  
BALDRICK  
But I'm Brother Lechiem.  
  
Sam Adams cleans his face of Baldrick's spittle.  
  
Blackadder walks to the counter, pulls out two hats with black locks hanging from them, and sets them on Baldrick's and Percy's heads.  
  
BLACKADDER  
There. Does that help?  
  
Adams bumbles, pulls down the blinds in the shop's windows and locks the door.  
  
ADAMS  
I say, won't you be more careful, Edmund?   
There are royal spies everywhere.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, pesky, aren't they? Could be right under   
your nose and you'd never even know it.  
  
ADAMS  
Now, first things first. Before I may share the   
society's secret news, Mr. Blackadder must be   
initiated.  
  
BALDRICK  
Oh, goody, I like a nice initiation. All the   
crying and screaming as the Sons riddle the   
newcomer's naked body with pebbles, stones   
and the occasional boulder.  
  
BLACKADDER  
(evasively)   
Right, well, I'm afraid I've no time for an   
initiation ceremony today. Too much business   
to do. Terribly sorry.  
  
ADAMS  
Sorry, eh? Yes, me as well, me as well. For   
you see, gentlemen, none of us have the time   
for the traditional initiation ceremony. Not   
with those foul-mouthed British regulars   
preying upon the very soul of freedom, like,   
like, like some giant thing preying upon the   
very soul of freedom.  
  
Percy and Baldrick are disappointed.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, sad news that, isn't it?  
  
PERCY  
Does this mean the three of us brethren shall   
perform the abridged initiation ceremony?  
  
ADAMS  
Indeed it does, Brother Mathias. Indeed it does.   
Now to begin.  
  
Adams takes the hat off of Baldrick and sets it on Blackadder's head. Adams raises his right hand, and then his right leg. Blackadder does likewise. So do Percy and Baldrick.  
  
ADAMS  
Mr. Blackadder, repeat after me. I do solemnly   
swear to uphold the duties and the disguises of   
my brethren, the Sons of Liberty.  
  
BLACKADDER  
I do solemnly swear to uphold the duties and   
the disguises of my brethren, the Sons of Liberty.   
ADAMS  
Gentlemen, commence.  
  
Percy and Baldrick begin tickling Blackadder.  
  
BLACKADDER  
(laughing) Stop it. Stop it. (Now angry) I   
said stop it or I'll have the both of you flogged   
from here to the Carolinas!  
  
They immediately stop .  
  
ADAMS  
Now, to the business at hand. Brothers, I have   
news.  
  
PERCY  
News, sir?  
  
BALDRICK  
News, sir?  
  
ADAMS  
That's what I said. I have news.  
  
PERCY  
What news, sir?  
  
BALDRICK  
Yes. What news, sir?  
  
ADAMS  
If you'd both shut up for a flipping moment,   
I'll tell you. Our ranks have been infiltrated.   
Last night's 'secret meeting' was attended by   
royalist spies.  
  
PERCY  
Oh, no, what does this mean?  
  
BALDRICK  
Oh, no, what does this mean?  
  
  
  
BLACKADDER  
(flippant)   
Pray, do tell, sir. What could this mean?  
  
  
ADAMS  
What this means is that our cover has been   
blown. But only temporarily, mind you. We   
have come up with a new disguise.  
  
PERCY  
Really, sir? A new disguise?  
  
BALDRICK  
Really, sir? A new …  
  
BLACKADDER  
(hitting Baldrick on the nose) That's enough   
out of the both of you.  
  
ADAMS  
Yes. From now on the Sons of Liberty shall   
masquerade as …  
  
BLACKADDER  
Arabs? Russian Cossacks? Venetian   
Gondoliers?   
  
ADAMS  
No, though good disguises, all of them.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Vikings? Fishmongers? Convention of horny   
lederhosen salesmen?  
  
ADAMS  
No. We shall disguise ourselves as the fairer   
sex.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Of course, and shall we also call ourselves the   
'Daughters of Liberty?'  
  
BALDRICK  
I don't even know the poorer sex. How am I   
BALDRICK (CONT)  
supposed to disguise myself as the fairer sex?  
  
BLACKADDER  
I think what Mr. Adams is saying, Baldrick, is   
that we'll dress as women.  
  
ADAMS  
Precisely, sir!  
  
PERCY  
Oh, splendid!  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, I would have known you'd be excited,   
Percy. Well, this is a brilliant idea. And to   
whose genius may we attribute this enlight-  
ened notion of dressing as drag queens?  
  
ADAMS  
That marvelous patriot, Mr. Paul Revere.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Of course. Paul Revere. Should have guessed   
it, really. Who else but that cross-dressing,   
prancing goldsmith would have concocted such   
a plan?  
  
ADAMS  
That being revealed, gentlemen, you shall each   
don new aliases as well. Baldrick, you shall   
be known as Nancy. Blackadder, you shall be   
known as Mary. And Percy, you shall be   
known as … Percy.  
  
Scene Nine: Mrs. Miggins' Pie Shoppe.  
Blackadder, Percy and Baldrick, arrive, dressed in drag. You'd swear the place had turned into a gay bar.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Evening, Mrs. Miggins.  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Evening, Mr. Blackadder, (coughs) excuse me,   
I mean …   
A dejected Blackadder pulls his nametag from his blouse so she can read it.  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Mary. (she winks) What can I get for you this   
evening?   
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, well I suppose since you're not selling tea   
anymore, I'll have a cup of brown water with   
grit in it. Unless by some miracle you've   
figuredout how to brew coffee.  
  
MRS. MIGGINS  
Poke fun all you'd like, Mary, but coffee's the   
future in the colonies.Why, one day, I'll bet   
there's a coffee shop on every corner. Maybe   
even two.  
  
BLACKADDER  
No doubt. It should happen about the same   
time we find the cure for dysentery.  
  
The ah— men, find a table in the busy shop.  
  
PERCY  
Why did I end up with the codename 'Percy'?   
That's not a very covert name, is it?  
  
BLACKADDER  
It's every bit as covert as the rest of this   
ridiculous charade.  
  
PERCY  
Well, if you're so opposed to it, why did you   
join?  
  
BLACKADDER  
I have my reasons, Percy.  
  
Adams, dressed in drag, and a prancing Paul Revere behind him, take the front of the room.  
  
ADAMS  
If we could come to order please, gentleman.   
(coughs – now in falsetto) If we could come to   
ADAMS (CONT)  
order please, ladies.  
  
REVERE  
Yes, ladies, good evening and welcome to the   
first ever, ah... Audubon society meeting.   
We'd like to start off by thanking our most   
gracious hostess, Mrs. Miggins. Now please   
tip your waitresses as we'd like to be invited   
back again.  
  
ADAMS  
Our first item of business is a report from the   
sub-committee devoted to the preservation of   
the webbed-foot booby and the brown virgin   
beaver. Nancy, you have the floor.  
  
Baldrick rises and steps to the front of the room. He pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.  
  
BALDRICK  
(reads)   
As many of you know, it is our society's   
devotion to the environment which sets us   
apart.  
  
Paul Revere captures Baldrick's attention by hitting his throat with the side of his hand.  
  
BALDRICK  
(reads in falsetto)   
As many of you know, it is our society's   
devotion to the environment which sets us   
apart. This being said, the sub-committee on   
the preservation of the webbed-foot booby and   
the brown virgin beaver have nothing to report …   
as we could find no trace of either living in the   
harbor. It is our opinion they are already extinct.  
  
The crowd gasps.  
  
ADAMS  
Well (clearing throat, back to falsetto) well,   
this is bad news. However, if we are to search   
for a brighter side, operation tea party is back on!  
  
The crowd cheers, clears their throats, then cheers again, this time in falsetto.   
BLACKADDER  
What about the stiffened blue cockles?  
  
ADAMS  
What? (in falsetto) I mean, what? Who said that?  
  
BLACKADDER  
(in falsetto)   
What about the stiffened blue cockles?  
  
PERCY  
Yes! What about the stiffened blue cockles!  
  
ENTIRE CROWD  
(chanting)   
Stiffened blue cockles! Stiffened blue   
cockles! (a collective clearing of throats,   
then in falsetto) Stiffened blue cockles!   
Stiffened blue cockles!  
  
REVERE  
I can assure you all, there's no such animal as   
stiffened blue cockles!  
  
CROWD  
HURRAH! (clearing of throats) Hurray!  
  
ADAMS  
Well, unless there are any further objections,   
operation tea party will commence tomorrow   
evening. See you all there … and don't forget   
to bring your finest tea service sets!  
  
Riotous laughter erupts from the crowd.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Oh, god, if I don't think up something quickly,   
I'm going to lose a fortune.  
  
Scene Ten: Griffin's Wharf, The Royal Stock Market.  
Blackadder anxiously awaits in line.  
  
CLERK  
Thank you. Have a nice day. Next.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, I'd like to sell a few tea futures if I could.  
  
CLERK  
How many would you like to sell?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Oh, I don't know…say one million?  
  
CLERK  
Ha-ha, very funny, sir.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Then, how many could I sell?  
  
CLERK  
Let's see… (after a number of calculations)   
four.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Four? It took you six thousand calculations   
to come up with four!  
  
CLERK  
Do you want to sell them or not?  
  
BLACKADDER  
What choice do I have?   
  
CLERK  
Thank you. Have a nice day. Next.  
  
Scene Eleven: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.  
Baldrick attends the shop. Blackadder storms in, picks up the cat and punts it.  
  
BALDRICK  
Sir! Poor little Mildred the cat, what's she   
ever done to you?  
  
BLACKADDER  
It is the way of the world, Baldrick – the   
abused always kick downwards. I am annoyed   
and so I kick the cat, the cat. . . (there is a   
squeak) pounces on the mouse and, finally,   
(Baldrick squeals in pain) the mouse bites you   
BLACKADDER (CONT)  
on the behind.  
  
BALDRICK  
And what do I do?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Nothing, you are the last in God's great chain.   
Unless there's a gnat around here you'd like to   
victimize.  
  
Percy enters from the back of the shop.  
  
PERCY  
Hello, Mr. Blackadder.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Hello, yourself, Percy.  
  
PERCY  
Well, aren't we in the foul mood today?  
  
BLACKADDER  
If by 'we' you somehow mean 'me and you' I   
shall fire you on the spot for assuming so   
contemptuously that you and I had anything   
in common.  
  
PERCY  
It's just an expression, Mr. Blackadder.   
Besides, you might fire me anyway, when   
you hear the news I have.  
  
BLACKADDER  
I see, and what news is that, Percy?  
  
PERCY  
Well, first of all, I think you should promise   
not to fire me. After all, I am merely the   
messenger.  
  
BLACKADDER  
The only thing I'll promise you, Percy, is that   
if you don't tell me, your funeral will be a   
closed-casket affair.   
PERCY  
Right. Well, then. As I'm sure you know the   
(looks side-to-side and quietshis voice) Sons   
of Liberty have been infiltrated by royalist spies.  
  
BLACKADDER  
That's as newsworthy as the bulletin 'This   
winter, expect it to be colder.'  
  
PERCY  
But that's not all. You see, they have figured   
out who one of the royalists are.  
  
BALDRICK  
Really? Who is it, Mr. Percy?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes, do tell, who is it?  
  
PERCY  
Why, it's you, Mr. Blackadder. The Sons   
have pegged you for a royalist spy.  
  
BLACKADDER  
I see. And what do they do to royalist spies?   
Not that I am one, just out of an inane curiosity.  
  
PERCY  
Generally, there are two forms of punishments.   
In the first, we take the scoundrel, rip all his   
clothes off, cover him with tar and then stick   
goose feathers into every nook and cranny we   
can find. This being done, he's dragged about   
the streets of Boston and generally ridiculed.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Tarred and feathered, hey? Doesn't sound like   
much fun. What's the second punishment?  
  
BALDRICK  
Why, everyone knows that one, Mr. B. Death   
by hanging, of course.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Death by … (gulp)   
Just then Sam Adams and Paul Revere enter the shop.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Gentlemen. Good afternoon.  
  
ADAMS  
Paul, you secure the door. Percy, you secure   
the blinds. Remaining Sons of Liberty, secure   
our prisoner!  
  
Revere locks the door, Percy pulls down the blinds and Baldrick clasps Blackadder's arm.  
  
REVERE  
All secure, sir.  
  
PERCY  
All secure here as well, sir.  
  
BALDRICK  
All secure as well …  
  
Blackadder shrugs off Baldrick's hold on his arm.  
  
BLACKADDER  
What, may I ask, is all this nonsense about?  
  
ADAMS  
You, sir, have been fingered, sir, as a royalist   
spy!  
  
BLACKADDER  
Who me? You can't be serious. Me? A   
royalist spy? Why that's absolute nonsense.   
I'm as loyal to the treasonous cause as any   
man-Jack rebel amongst us!  
  
ADAMS  
You are?  
  
REVERE  
You are?  
  
PERCY  
You are?   
Baldrick tries to speak but Blackadder hits him.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Of course I am!   
  
ADAMS  
What about the reports that you've purchased   
tons of East India tea?  
  
BLACKADDER  
What reports?  
  
ADAMS  
(holding forth a sheet of paper) These reports.  
  
BLACKADDER  
(taking the paper) Oh…you mean these reports.   
Well, I thought the brethren had been privy to   
my top-secret mission.  
  
ADAMS  
Top-secret mission? (turning to Revere) I   
was aware of no secret mission.  
  
Revere shrugs, as do Percy and then Baldrick.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Of course! I can't believe you don't remember.   
It was my covert mission to fool the British   
into … into …  
  
ADAMS  
Yes…?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Why, to fool the British into believing we   
patriotic Americans still wanted their despicable   
tea and that they should therefore still send it to   
the colonies.  
  
ADAMS  
I see. (pauses) Yes, brilliant plan that isn't it?  
  
General agreement ensues from the others.  
  
ADAMS  
A plan of my own as I recall.  
  
BLACKADDER  
And if I may so bold, sir, a brilliant plan at   
that!  
  
ADAMS  
I believe I've already called the plan brilliant,   
Edmund. Revere, call off the lynch mob, they'll   
be no hanging today.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Hurrah!  
  
ADAMS  
Nonetheless, brethren, I still bring news.   
Our ranks have been infiltrated againand thus   
we must change our disguise yet again.  
  
BLACKADDER  
And what will it be this time? Convent Nuns?   
Persian Mystics? A giant Greek horse?  
  
ADAMS  
No. Although I must admit, Edmund, you really   
should seek an appointment to the sub-committee   
responsible for the instruction of the creative   
disguises team.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Will we disguise as Quakers? Puritans? Great   
woolly yetis?  
  
ADAMS  
We shall disguise ourselves as ... natives!  
  
Scene Twelve: Blackadder's Imports Shoppe.  
Blackadder sits counting a huge pile of money when Percy and Baldrick enter.  
  
BLACKADDER  
Ah, good morning Percy, good morning,   
Baldrick.  
  
  
PERCY  
Well, aren't we in high spirits today?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Indeed, we are, Perce, indeed we are.  
  
BALDRICK  
Why so chipper, Mr. B?  
  
BLACKADDER  
I am so chipper, Balders, because my   
reimbursements arrived today.  
  
PERCY  
You're reimbursements?  
  
BLACKADDER  
Yes. When I reminded that imbecile Adams   
that it was his idea to buy tons of worthless tea   
which now brews in our very harbor, he   
instructed Mr.-Deep-Pockets, John Hancock   
to reimburse me for my losses.  
  
PERCY  
Well, that is fortunate, isn't it?  
  
BLACKADDER  
It just goes to show you, Percy. It doesn't   
matter what the socio-political climate is,   
opportunistic, conniving, dishonest business-  
men can always make a profit. 


End file.
